Recently I picked up a copy of Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles. I had learned about this game from reading the news posts and comics at Penny Arcade. Their stories from the E3 convention painted a picture of a phenomenal addition to the Final Fantasy series, filled with beautiful graphics, in-depth storyline and, most intriguing of all, a multiplayer feature. Granted, the multiplayer feature would have required buying a Game Boy Advance for every player, but this was also explained by both the Penny Arcade guys and Nintendo as necessary since stopping the game to play with inventory and stats is annoying enough in a single player game, but would be damn near intolerable if everyone had to stop what they were doing to wait for one party member to get his ice sword in place. The Game Boy feature would allow everyone their own screen to toy with their menus as needed while the rest of the game rolled onwards.
I was so excited about this that I rushed out and immediately pre-ordered the game. This was back in July. This excitement was in spite of my Gamecube experience previous to the E3 news. I had played Metroid Prime and Eternal Darkness and was so enamored with not only the graphics but the play control and the stories as well. F-Zero was also a welcome addition to my game collection. These games were well worth the time and money spent and I felt like I was getting games that were challenging as well as interesting. There was so much potential that the Gamecube offered and these games promised to be only the beginning.
However, I began looking at some of the other games available on the market. Flagship series such as Mario Brothers and Zelda seemed like safe bets to me, since it would be idiotic for the Nintendo corporation to shoot itself in the foot and shit on the titles that got them where they are today. Mario Sunshine, while pretty, seemed to be nothing more than a facelift of Mario 64 without the interesting story or the definite reason for why you were doing whatever the hell you were doing. Zelda was also a disappointment, bringing graphics that moved smoothly but looked as if they had been drawn by an eight year old. The storyline was condescending and made it feel like they were just patting you on the head every time you did something and cooing, “good job, stupid. We know you’re not smart enough to do anything better.”
I was getting righteously pissed off at the attitude the Nintendo corporation seemed to be copping. Every time I picked up a game it felt like Nintendo was saying to me “You’ll buy it and you’ll beg us for more because you’re too stupid to realize it’s bad. You just see that it’s Zelda and that is good enough for you.” It was like they weren’t even trying to put out good games. They just banked on my loyalty and, I guess, gullibility.
To be fair, I was blinded by the potential of the platform and while I had many hopes smashed by the amount of condescending crap that was being put out, I still gave stuff fair shots to see if, maybe, it was still worth it to be a Nintendo fan. However, the last nail in the coffin was the latest Mario Kart game. Again, huge potential and good concept but the execution was so asinine and cutesy as to be almost unplayable. Play control was lacking, characters were poorly drawn caricatures of themselves and the overall effect was the same sort of feeling I got with the poorly drawn, disgustingly easy Windwaker game (the latest and, in my opinion, worst addition to the Zelda saga, seconded only by Mask of Majora). It was almost as if they were simply handing out shit and hoping I would be stupid enough to buy it.
The last chance Nintendo had with me was Crystal Chronicles. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t take it anymore. If Crystal Chron was anywhere near as stupid and half-assed as Zelda and Mario Kart had been, that would be the end of my patronage of Nintendo products.
Keep in mind that I have been playing Nintendo games since 1988. This is a relationship going back almost 16 years in which I have stayed with them though the evolution of graphics from eight bit to 16 and then to 32, experiments with the 3D FX chip, bad choices in console design and poor marketing strategies. All the while I stuck with it because all throughout that time Nintendo put out games that did the best they could with the technology available. The graphics and play control might look bad now that I go back to the original 8 bit box, but those games still hold a special place I my heart because they serve to remind me not only how far we have come in those 16 short years technologically, but also how the stories and characters developed and grew with the gamers over time.
Opening up the Crystal Chron box, I was immediately taken by the graphics. Yes, they are stunning and move fluidly. The story, while repetitive, at least gives you some sort of reason why you venture out of your hometown once a year and fight strange monsters. It also gives you a great deal of control over where your party goes, not limiting you to going through the same dungeon that you might hate. Also there are four races from which you can choose your character, giving you more control over your strengths and attributes. You even get to choose what your family does for a living, allowing you to send them things from the road to improve their skills (i.e. Sending metal alloys to your blacksmith family). Once you get into the game, the dungeons give varied challenges and monsters that vary in shape and attack depending on where you are so that you have to completely rethink your strategy when fighting on a volcano versus traveling through a swamp or digging through ice flows.
However, the game also has several flaws in my estimation. First off being the overly cute aspect that completely jars you out of whatever you might have been concentrating on. For instance, sometimes on the road you will meet other travelers. This was meant, I expect, to show that you are not the only one with this task once a year to travel the countryside in search of the saving element. This was a good idea, but the dialogue between caravans goes something like this:
“Hey there.”
“hi.”
“Off to save the world?”
“yup.”
“me too.”
“cool”
“ok, bye”
Moogles are rampant in this game (for those of you who have NO idea what the hell a moogle is, imagine an overly large cotton ball with bat wings and dialogue written by the lady from the Lambchop show.) the amount of treacle from them alone is enough to make you gag, but there is also the moogle stamp system that offers you the challenge of finding moogle houses in the various dungeons and getting a stamp to prove you were there. If you collect two or three identical stamps, you can play the moogle mini game which would be best described as me explaining a racing game to someone who doesn’t speak my language while I’m kicking them in the head and distracting them by shooting a kitten each time they ask a question. Take what they get from that exchange and make it into a poorly animated game with music rehashed from the original game-boy system and you are close to seeing just how bad this mini game is.
And so on
The game had so much potential to be something special and it would give hints that it was going to be soon. The gears would be running along smoothly and then all of a sudden someone would shout, “I like peanut butter marshmallow sandwiches!” and someone else would throw one of those sandwiches into the gears causing a sticky, overly sweet lock-up that left my frontal brain lobes trying to escape out my nose.
I don’t feel the need to be insulted anymore by a company that seems to be more interested in using what could be an exciting and powerful platform with seemingly limitless potential to make Hello Kitty look bad assed by comparison. I am done with Nintendo and am not going to take them back this time.
Maybe I’m overreacting, but this is just how I feel.