A Little Background:
I gave my freind Erik a call and he said "I am currently wantering around my apartment looking for things to pawn." He asked me if i had any ideas on how to make money really fast. I thought about it for a bit and then started giving him some of my charicteristically helpful answers. After a while he decided i was the most evil person in the world and that he was glad i wasn't mad at him. This list is a sort of culmination of this and a couple of other similar conversations i have had with friends in the last little while. hope you enjoy it.
NOTE: just because i am saying this does not mean i endorse any or all of the ideas listed here. this is all in fun. Any of you who view me as a role model (all three of you) please stop reading now and go back to another section of this page.
That said, here is a list of quick ways to get cash:
SELLING THINGS
$ blood and plasma. - Hospitals always need it to save people's lives. Plasma Banks pay good money for four visits, Blood banks vary with where you are in the world. Here's the clever part though, If you sell OTHER PEOPLE'S blood and plasma, you make a profit and you can afford to lose the sold items. I mean, honestly, would it really bother you that that annoying guy on the bus is a quart low? hell no! besides, you have money now and there are very few (if any) health risks to you selling so much of other people's body fluids.$ muffins and cookies - Muffins and cookies are a good staple and people love a good bake sale. There is plenty of precident for bake sales making some much needed funds for lots of good organizations. So you sell muffins and cookies for fifty cents each. Now you're probably saying "Fifty fucking cents? How the hell am i gonna make money like that Rob?" Let's face it, fifty cents is a good price for a muffin or a cookie. Would you pay much more than that if you had the choice? hell no you wouldn't. So we sell the cookies for fifty cents...and the antidote for ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS MUAHAHAHAHA!
$ sexual favors - Sex is said to be the oldest business. With that kind of legacy behind it, there has GOT to be some money in it for smart people like you guys. So here's what you do: Stand in some public place with a sign that says SEXUAL FAVORS or something like that (hey, i gave you the idea, you make the damn sign yourself). When someone invariably asks what you are selling, say someting like "Hey, amn. want a blowjob?" and they'll be all like "yeah." and you charge them something like twenty bucks, cash up front. When you have the money, grab the nearest passerby and say "Give this guy a blowjob or i'll fucking beat you!" see? you make money and keep your integrity intact.
$ naked pictures - have you seen how many porn sites there are out there? people visit them every day and download thousands of hours of adult entertainment every week. Now you're probably thingking "There's got to be some money there for me." You'd be right if you were. What you do is hack into people's computers and steal their porn right off their hard drive and sell it back to them at $1 a picture and $5 a movie plus a $20 discression fee so you won't tell everyone else what sort of depraved shit they're into.
INSTANT SUCCESS
(not easy but well worth it if you can pull it off)
$ write the great american novel - People have been trying to do this for decades. the minute you publish it, everyone will be all over you and you get MAD endorsements, teaching positions, pulitzer prizes, and a FAT stack of cash-money. (and yes, i do see the irony in using the words, MAD, FAT and Cash-money in a piece about the great american novel)$ inventions - Invent something and sell it on late night TV. There has got to be an insomniac out there that needs a yak peeler or a sonic prune pitter. I mean, hell, Tony Little has got to be making good money to keep himself stocked in hair-care products for that stupid ponytail of his.
$ music - Write an overnight success pop-song and sell ridiculously overpriced t-shirts, lunchboxes, gym shoes, sunglasses and tartar control dental floss with your picture on them.
$ become a rock star's trophy wife - if you're not creative enough to write a great pop song, groupies seem to live pretty well and have lots of extra cash lying around. If you get tired of listening to your particular rock star write repetative songs and make public service announcements about how we shouldn't club baby seals any more, you can arrange a small "accident". Be sure the will is in order first.
$ inheritance - find a letter in the mail that says your uncle Bill (that you never knew you had) passed away (sad) but that he was actually Bill Gates and you get a huge bag of money in the mail every month.